I want to want something else. 
I am not satisfied with multimedia,
movies, games, listening to music. 
But I'm still craving for something to
grab my attention, anything. 

I know the answer is to sit. 
Tonight it's easier to get me there. 

The altar is clean. It's cold outside
so there were no cedar bug today. 

Ganesha preside, with a Siva linga
behind him, and Avalokitesvara, I think, 
with four arms and beautiful mudras.

The layout of deity on my altar is squeezed a bit.
I want to draw circles to help 
with this placements. I saw many drafting
compasses today on religious images 
and old illustration. Someone was
trying to make a point that the compass
is a powerful mystical tool. It made
me want to have a nice compass.

The altar is made of local old growth
cedar. A huge block of wood, that I designed
myself. Dawing ink lines on it would 
add a lot to the design. In worst case
I could also sand it back. 

I wrap myself in my prayer shawl, light incense. 

I look around, I look at myself. 
The reflection is quite dark tonight. 
As I am using my window for the
practice, I don't see all the details 
of my face. I can only see one eye. 

I get bored. It takes a while for the incense 
stick to burn. My mala is next to my altar. 

It's my Ganesha mala. I only use 
one mantra per mala. 

Om Sri Maha Ganapataye Namaha

My first sanskrit mantra. I've chanted this
mantra for 25 years now. 

I pull my mala in my shawl. Start rolling
the beads with one hand. I start chanting
quietly. I do trataka, but unsure where to 
stare. If I open my eye the right way, there
is just enough light to see my pupil. 

I stare at myself. 

I can only see one eye. 
The distortion of reality comes
really quickly tonight. My eye start
to turn. My reflection blink. It feel
so real. A wave of shiver move trough 
my whole body and then settle. 

I become hyper-aware and I can 
feel that energy troughout my body. 
I like this sensation. It's like
being afraid, but sustaining the 
sensations. 

I continue chanting, continue
the trataka. My face is distorting
taking different shape. The reflection
of my eyes move by themselve, and even blink
when I don't. My excitment is high, 
I know something will scare me soon. 
It makes me smile as I know something is
coming. 

Crack! The lamp over my head make a loud
noise and I scream! It makes me laugh
as I knew it would happens. 

The meditation is a bit less intense now. 
I complete 3 malas while the sensation
slowly fades away. I ask my reflection
to come see me in my dream tonite. 

I sit for a bit longer, as the
incense hasn't burnt out completely. 

I put my mala on my altar, and re-arange
Ganesha and the Siva lingam. 

Buddha as a lock of hair over
his crown, in it a little hole. 
I try to stick the incense in there. 
I know that Ganesha didn't like to be 
used as an incense holder, but maybe 
Buddha wouldn't mind. 

It doesn't really fit and the
incense stick is too small to
manipulate. I give up and finalize
my altar placement. 

That felt really good, and I jumped
right back on my computer to write 
about it. There is something about 
writing my experience...