_______ _ |__ __| | March 19, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Redneck 911 Emergency ___ /.-.\ || || Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. \'-'/ || || The 911 operator told Bubba that she would `// || || send someone out right away. // || || "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Cynic's Guide to Life 1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. _ ___ \.\'.\ 2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses. \'\'.\ Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. __\.\:/_// {{{{{(__(") 3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. jgs `~~~~ >>>^ Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. 4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. 5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. .--. 6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. _/aa/ \ It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end (T_, \_/ , of his chain and gag himself. )="`------.)) o| / / 7. It's always darkest before the dawn. .' \ /__\ (\ So if you're going to steal _.' |\ \ _/ / \ the neighbors's newspaper, jgs ..-`"` (_(_/ (__/(_/ that's the time to do it. 8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. 9. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. 10. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbors's car. 11. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. 12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery. 13. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. 14. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .;;;;;. .3333o ;;;` e\ /a Y33 ;;( > < )33 /\\ _< o@*O@o >_ .-/ /\ ||/'--( *O\@/o )--'\|| || \ \ _ > < _ / / || || \ \| |~| / \ |~| |/ / || || \ '-'__...._|_|__\___/__|_|_...__'-' / || || '--/` `\--' || ||.--'` | | `'--.|| || | | || ||'===== '--...._________________.....--' ====='|| ||.-"""""-.||| | | |||.-"""""-.|| || || || | | ||| || || ||-'|| ||__|__ __|__||| ||'-|| || jgs ||_.___) (___._||| || A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. "You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .----. A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results //""""\\ of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit (( '__' )) down. ))-__-(( (.-. `\)) "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your /( " ) , \ baby has some serious problems." \)`"`() / / (___)==(\/ "What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, | | I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it | | regardless." | | | | "Well, yes, of course, but your child has no | | legs." jgs | | """"""" "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless." "And it hasn't got any arms either." "What?" "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear." "Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it. I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it." "Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) \VW/ A bloke sees his local quack about an embarrassing .oOOOOo. problem. He says, "doc, my wife and I are into... OOOOOOOO eh... slightly unusual sex. Anyway, as a result of 'oOOOOo' a fine meal and desert, several wines, and excited 'oOOo' passions, I've got a strawberry stuck up my asshole!" `"` jgs The doc says, "what?" The man says, "You heard me, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum" The doc says, "Oh, we that's very unusual. Not to worry..I've got some cream for that!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ____ .' `". My little girl came into the kitchen / | \ this evening while I was fixing supper. | \__.-, (_, And he handed me a piece of paper \ /` 9 `\ / she'd been writing on. So, after ,_ )| 9 . |` wiping my hands on my apron, I read it, \'. '.\ ,_/ / and this is what it said: _\ \.--.'.___.' `'. .-' _` a \.--, .' | For mowing the grass, $5. `""` \ a K ; ,-'\ _.;_ For making my own bed this week, $1. '.__,. (__.'`-._ ) For going to the store $.50. (_/\ '-. /_ For playing with baby brother while you ;-._)-._/ _) went shopping, $.25. / `` \ For taking out the trash, $1. '-._______.-' For getting a good report card, $5. |_ |_ | And for raking the yard, $2. | | | |__|__/ Well, I looked at her standing there jgs .-"'-'|--| expectantly, and a thousand memories flashed '.___,_|""| through my mind. So, I picked up the paper, \__/ and turning it over, this is what I wrote: For the nine months I carried you, growing inside me, No Charge. For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you prayed for you, No charge. For the time and the tears, and the cost through the years, No Charge. For the nights filled with dread, and the worries ahead, No Charge. For advice and the knowledge, and the cost of your college, No Charge. For the toys, food and clothes, and for wiping your nose, No Charge. So, when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is No Charge. Well, when she finished reading, she had great big tears in his eyes. And she looked up at me and he said, "Mama, I sure do love you." Then she took the pen and in great big letters he wrote: PAID IN FULL. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---------------------------. Two Sisters /_ _ _ __ __ /| // \ / \ / \ |_/ | |_ (_ / | Two nuns went out of the / \_ \_/ \_/ | \ | |__ ,_/ / | convent to sell cookies. :.__________________________/ / One of them is known as | .--. .--. .--. .--. | / Sister Mathematical (SM) | ( ) ) ( ) ( ) | / and the other one is known | '--' '--' '--' '--' |/ as Sister Logical (SL). jgs'---------------------------' It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster. SM: It is not working. SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me. SM: So, what happened? Please tell us. SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. SM: So what happened? SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could. SM: And what else? SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me. SM: Oh, no! What did you do then? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm