To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | October 17, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) / .- Beer Quotes |/,-'` _.-'''-._ "If you ever reach total _.;.--._.--.;._ enlightenment while .oOo0Oo./( O / \ O )\ ` drinking beer it makes _oOoOoO0o '-' '-' ; the beer shoot out of _//|||||||| (_) | your nose" - Jack Handy / __)|||||| . . | | __)|||||| `-.___.-' | .-. _ "It's better to have a | ___)|||||| \.-./ ; | | / | beer in hand than gas in |~~\\|||||||\ `-` / __| |/ /_ the tank." "Beer - It's | |`====;__'._ _.'__ (_ _) just not for breakfast \ /\"""""/\ `\ `| .'` anymore." "Beer - '----------.`-`\^/`-`. \ |~~| Natures Laxative." "One | /~\ |`\ \ | | more and I'll be under | |\| | \ `y | the host" - Dorothy Parker | |\| | \ / | |\| | '.__.' "Without question the greatest |___|\|___| invention in the history of mankind |===\_/===| jgs is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel | | was also a fine invention, but a | L | wheel does not go as well with | | | pizza." - Dave Barry | | | < < | "The problem with the world is | | | that everyone is a few drinks |____|____| behind." - Humphrey Bogart .---' / \ / /| | "Why is American beer served '.______.' | | cold? So you can tell it from | | urine." - David Moulton \__/ "A drink a day, keeps the shrink away." - Edward Abbey "People who drink "light" beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot." - Capital Brewery WI "Put it back in the horse!!" - H. Allen Smith after his first American beer "On the seventh day He brewed beer." - Bill Bradshaw "Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol." "I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast." "A woman drove me to drink and I didn't have the decency to thank her." "Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder." - W.C. Fields _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. /^\ After several minutes of debating how to hit the /'.'\ shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I /'.'\ was your age I'd hit the ball right over /.''.'\ that tree." /.'.'.\ "'""""/'.''.'.\""'"'" With that challenge placed before him, the jgs ^^^[_]^^^ youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) == == <^\()/^> <^\()/^> \/ \/ \/ \/ /__\ . ' . /__\ == /\ . | . /\ == <^\()/^> !_\/ ' | ' \/_! <^\()/^> \/ \/ !_/I_|| . ' \'/ ' . ||_I\_! \/ \/ /__\ /I_/| || -== + ==- || |\_I\ /__\ /_ \ !//| | || ' . /.\ . ' || | |\\! /_ \ (- ) /I/ | | || . | . || | | \I\ (= ) \__/!//| | | || ' | ' || | | |\\!\__/ / \I/ | | | || ' . ' * || | | | \I/ \ {_ __} | | | || || | | | {____} _!__|= || | | | || * + || | | | || |__!_ _I__| ||__|__|__|_|| A ||_|__|__|__||- |__I_ -|--|- ||--|--|--|-|| __/_\__ * ||-|--|--|--||= |--|- | | || | | | || /\-'o'-/\ || | | | || | | | |= || | | | || _||:<_>:||_ || | | | ||= | | | |- || | | | || * /\_/=====\_/\ * || | | | ||= | | | |- || | | | || __|:_:_[I]_:_:|__ || | | | ||- | | _|__| ||__|__|__|_||:::::::::::::::::::::||_|__|__|__|| |__|_ -|--|= ||--|--|--|-||:::::::::::::::::::::||-|--|--|--||- |--|- jgs|- || | | | ||:::::::::::::::::::::|| | | | ||= | | ~~~~~~~~~^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^~~~~~~~~~ Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here" ______ '-._ ```"""---.._ ,-----.:___ `\ ,;;;, '-.._ ```"""--.._ |,%%%%%% _ , '. `\;;;; -\ _ _.'/\ .' `-.__ \ ,;;;;" .__{=====/_)==:_ || ,===/ ```";,,,,,,,;;;;;'`-./.____,'/ / '.\/ '---/ ';;;;;;;;' `--.._.' / ,===/ '-. `\/ '---/ ,'`. | ; __.-' \ ,' jgs \______,,.....------'''`` `---` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _____ A redneck couple checks in a fancy .-'' ___ ''-. old New Orleans French Quarter hotel '-.{ }.-' with beautiful chandeliers and jgs > < hardwood floors everywhere. After _ .-. ;-'-; .-. _ getting in their room the he redneck .' \/ \/ \/ \/ '. notices a throw rug in the center of ; | | | | ; the old wood flooring. | _/ \ __/\ /\__ / \_ | \' '\/ '.;-=-;.' \/' '/ He says to the wife "I bet this '. > / \ < .' here's one of them rich people's ';.'--'\ /'--'.;' hide'n places we seen at the picture '-.__-'-=-'-__.-' show under at thar rug"! `'> <'` .'. .'. He pulls back the rug and sure nuff `"`"`"` there's a brass plate about 4 inches square with four large brass screws in it. He becomes very excited unscrews it with his handy knife with all the attachments, takes the brass cover off and sees nothing inside. Disappointed, he puts everything back as it was and forgets he ever found it. Next morning at check out the desk clerk asks the couple "how was everything" they said just fine, everything was perfect! The desk clerk said "the newly wed couple below you were not so lucky, they were almost killed!........ They had a chandelier fall on them shortly after you checked in"! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __ __ A man walks into the woman's //\\ //\\ section of a department store || \\ // || and tells the sales clerk he \\_ ) \ / ( _// wants to buy a bra for .....--'' / '-._ _.-' \ ''--..... his wife. `""""--..._\`"""`.-"-.`"""`/_...--""""` `'---' '---'` "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. jgs "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "There are three types," replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused, the man asks, "What is the difference in them?" The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'